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August 27, 2004
Dead Planet (parody on the "Red Planet" flick)
This is a very hilarious review of the Red Planet movie. It was originally featured at www.imdb.com (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0199753/board/nest/10207430) until the author, Idril_Lossehelin (aka Anne Winters), was forced to delete it under preassure from a number of dimwit fans, who found the parody -- check this -- "stupid and unfunny". Go figure!
Anywho... with the Author's permission, I decided to repost the piece on my blog. Hope you find it as enjoyable as I did! ;-)
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Red Planet (As told by Chuck, Rhoda, James, and Anne Winters)
Carrie-Anne Moss v.o.: By the year 2000, the world was overpopulated...
Anne: That's a voiceover?
James: Oh, please, just kill me now...
::Introduction begins.::
Carrie-Anne: First, we have me. Then we have an old guy.
Anne: He's going to be the first to die.
Carrie-Anne: Then we have a few ugly guys... then an ugly civilian, then a cute guy. And that's about it. Oh yeah, we do have the super-cliche killer robot, AMEE.
AMEE: Personally, I wouldn't kill anybody, but I'm so darn tired of people misspelling robots' names. What's so hard about A-M-Y?!
::Winters family hits fast-forward button::
Old dude/Chancellor Valorum: Have we given up on God?
James: He's given up on you!
::Winters family hits fast-forward button.::
Carrie-Anne Moss: ::naked:: Just pretend I'm your sister.
Anne: CHEESY INNUENDO!!! FAST-FORWARD!!! QUICK!!!
::fast-forwarding commences. Crew drinks moonshine. Crew sits around playing Poker. Crew begins to have an emergency. When the explosions start, the Winters press play. Explosions happen. And happen. They stop::
Carrie-Anne: The solar flare is over.
Anne: SOLAR FLARE?! SOLAR FLARE?!
James: I told you to kill me five minutes ago! ::Dudes get in space suits. Chick pulls lever. Lever springs back. Chick pulls lever. Lever springs back. Chick pulls lever. Lever springs back. Chick pulls lever. Lever springs back.::
Carrie-Anne: There just might be a problem!
Chuck: No kidding!
Anne: Okay, let's play a new game... I hit the fast-forward button, and say, �3-2-1 clich�!� Nine times out of ten when I hit play, they'll be saying a clich�.
Winters: Sounds good!
::Something interesting looks like it's going to happen. Anne hits play. Balloons inflate on the landing... thingy. It bounces around Mars. Winters family laughs hysterically.::
James: Soccer! The international sport of choice!
Rhoda: The interplanetary sport of choice!
::Lander finally comes to a stop. Ugly man/Val Kilmer gets out. He looks somewhat distressed.::
Anne&James: Where will you be when your laxative starts working?
::Anne hits fast-forward again. The old guy gets injured. They leave him behind. He dies.::
Anne: I WAS RIGHT!!! WOO-HOO!!!
::The guys go out and try to find a bunch of stuff. They do, but the stuff is gone, so they kinda don't. They sit around waiting to die. The jerk and the cute guy go and stand near a cliff for God only knows why. The jerk is... well.... a jerk, so the cute guy kills him by hurling him off the cliff.::
Jerk: ::as he tumbles into the abyss:: THANK YOU!!!
Cute guy: Oh man... I so wanted to go with him!
::Ugly guys and cute guy start to suffocate.::
Val Kilmer: I'll just open my helmet... ::starts to breathe... you know... air... on Mars... don't ask...:: Hey guys! Air!!
::Other ugly guy and cute guy open helmets.::
Ugly guy: I'd say a clich�, but I can't think of anything to say...
Cute guy: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Ugly guy: That'll work.
::Chick tells guys about a spaceship they can fix so they can leave the planet. They begin their trek across Mars.::
Cute guy: Are we there yet?
Val Kilmer: No.
Cute guy: ::waits a few seconds:: Are we there yet?
Val Kilmer: No!
Cute guy: ::waits a few more seconds:: Are we there yet?
Val Kilmer: For the last time! No!
Ugly guy: Guys... I really gotta go now...
Val Kilmer: Why didn't you go at the space station? That was only five months ago!
Ugly guy: No, guys... I really have to go!
Cute guy: Are we there yet?
Val Kilmer: Hour and a half!
Cute guy: Till we get there?
Val Kilmer: No! Till ugliman here can go!
Ugly guy: I can't hold it that long!
::AMEE goes psycho.::
AMEE: SPELL MY NAME RIGHT!!! SPELL IT RIGHT!!!
Val Kilmer: No. I think I'll kill you instead.
AMEE: DIIEEEEE!!!! ::breaks ugliman's rib. But, more painfully, she gives him a wedgie.::
Ugly guy: AAAAARGH!!!
::Anne hits fast-forward button. She presses play.::
Carrie-Anne: There's a low-pressure system headed toward them.
Anne: How clich�.
::fast-foward. Play. The three guys are hiding in a cave.::
Cute guy: Ugliman thinks I killed Jerk. What do you think, Val?
Val: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
::fast-forward. Play. For some reason, Cute guy has left Ugliman and Val. AMEE attacks him.::
AMEE: OMG, u r so hott! j00 r0x00rz! i want ur autograph! hottie? Hottie?!?!?!??!!?!??!?!?!? ::Cute guy is dead::
Anne: ::sighs:: fangirls.
::Val and Ugly find Cutie's carcass.::
Val: Hey man, can we have that transmitter thingy?
Cute guy: When you pry it from my cold, dead fingers...
::Ugly pries it from Cutie's cold, dead fingers. For some reason, he doesn't notice the bug crawling out of Cutie's cheek and going up Cutie's nose.
Anne: You know, that bug crawling out of his cheek is real turn-off...
::fast-forward. We discover that the bugs eat the algae. Oh joy. Fast-forward some more. Ugly starts bleeding. The bugs eat him. Val goes off and finds the space ship, and tries to fix it. Val calls Carrie-Anne.::
Val: Those bugs eat anything.
Carrie-Anne: Great! Throw 'em the script!
::Val complies. Then he sits there. Carrie-Anne sits there. Scene goes back to Val. He's still sitting around. Scene goes back to Carrie-Anne. She's still sitting around. Scene goes back to Val, AND HE'S STILL JUST SITTING AROUND!! Scene goes back to Carrie-Anne, AND SHE'S STILL JUST SITTING THERE!!! Scene goes to AMEE. She's stalking Val. She attacks Val. Val kills her. Val fixes spaceship. Val leaves in spaceship. For some reason, he almost dies, and Carrie-Anne has to save him. She gives him CPR. He lives. We see some lovely shots of the spaceship, and the movie ends, to the relief of the Winters.::
Anne: We watched, what, 45 minutes of that movie? At most? It seemed like 10 hours!
Rhoda: James, next time, Anne picks the movies we rent!
James: Sorry...
(by Anne Winters, http://groups.msn.com/triplelfansite)
Posted by vladb at 12:49 PM | Comments (0)